Why You Shouldn't Unwind

“I just need to unwind,” said almost every busy mother I’ve ever known, on an almost-weekly basis. The word is simple, but it’s the tone, the energy (lack thereof) and hint of desperation that makes it more complex. A warm bath, a glass of wine, maybe even a night out. All great, quick-fix interventions we reach for when we need to loosen up a little. Some energy comes back, some lightness and laughter restored. But have you noticed that the “wound up” feeling returns quickly, often with a vengeance? 

You’re not a clock. You don’t need to unwind. 

The definition of “unwind” is “to become uncoiled or untangled.” Perfect, right? How often do you uncoil or untangle anything and have it stay that way? (See: my 9-year olds curly locks.) We work through the tangles of life, find some relief, and momentarily feel better about the weight we’re carrying. Then the kids call out, the house gets a little messy, the boss asks us to stay late in that way that we can’t say “no” for fear of being seen as the uncommitted-to-her-career mother. And before we know it, we’re getting coiled up again. Surely, this version of “Groundhog Day” isn’t the answer.

What you need is to release.

Semantics? I don’t think so. But let’s go back to good ol’ Webster. There are so many definitions for ‘release’ but this one, “To set free from restraint” is what I’m talking about. Imagine, actually being set free from the things that are holding us back? Not temporarily, but permanently. But how?

Setting ourselves free requires an understanding of what’s holding us back in the first place. Most of us have an idea of the obvious things that get in our way. Our love of carbs, our workaholic tendencies, our short temper, perhaps our unwillingness to forgive. It’s likely that these things have been on our “to-do” list to address for sometime. We probably have books on our shelf and influencers in our feed telling us what to do. And you know what? When we’re ready, we do them. These are not the things we need to release.

Release from obstacles that are NOT obvious is where the fun begins. Here’s an example. I am not great at asking for help. On the outside, one would think I just like to stay busy and own everything, to the point of exhaustion at times. But scratch beneath the surface and you’ll probably find that my never-ending to-do list has more to do with a hidden need for control. Perhaps even a need to be needed. How do I know this? Only through the insight, coaching and honesty of others who have had the courage to get me to look in places I didn’t really want to. 

“Sometimes you don’t realize the weight of what you’ve been carrying until you feel the weight of its release.” - anonymous

You see, when we unwind, we vent, commiserate and get sympathy from well-meaning loved ones. If we’re lucky, they will empathize because they have walked a similar path. They’ll most certainly leave us with an encouraging, hopeful message, “You got this.” And you do. Until the next time.

Isn’t it more interesting to end the cycle? It’s time to find your tribe.

This may or may not be the same group who dried your tears and refilled your glass in your days of unwinding. This tribe is a little different. It’s made up of women who get you. Who see you. Who can hold the weight you need to release as you rediscover who you were before you took it on. Side note: In case it’s not obvious, I’m not talking about physical weight here. I’m talking about the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical burdens we carry as busy mothers.

Building an intentional tribe takes courage and vulnerability to admit that you don’t have it all together. To open up to contribution from other women, rather than be in competition with them. To commit to putting yourself first, above all else, so you can be the mother, partner, woman you want to be. History tells us this is the way we’re designed. We’re meant to have the support in the basics of running our lives all the way up the hierarchy to self-actualization. We are meant to harness the wisdom of other women. We deserve to release.